youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He has the fingertips of a God
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
