someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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