apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
