Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
