I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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