It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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