the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
