mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
