If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
