I want to walk on stilts...naked
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
