I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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