I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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