She is in my trunk
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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