I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
