I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
