Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
