is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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