Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
