Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
