my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
