I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
