just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
