There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
