mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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