Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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