Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
