It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
