U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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