I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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