I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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