One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
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