dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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