Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
