my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
