Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
