Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
