Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
