god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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