my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
