So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
