Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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