The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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