She said her name was "party"
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
