I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
how drunk are you?
Several
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
