Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
