y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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