He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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