So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The adults are the big ones right?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
