I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
