Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
