I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
